Dear Dog the Bounty Hunter



It appeared you were trying to get some poor girl killed.

Fear Dog's Mullet


Dear Mr. Dogthebountyhunter,

Last weekend I got a little bored and flipped on the T.V.  As I flipped through the channels I couldn’t help but become mesmerized by your mullet.  It sucked me in and I quickly put down the remote.   Despite my fascination with both your hair and your wife’s clown costumes, I was saddened when it appeared you were trying to get some poor girl killed.

If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, Dog, it was the episode where it appeared that you were looking for a young lady who might have been using drugs while out on a bond you (or somebody) had posted.  In typical Dog fashion you and your crew “hunted” this girl down.  I was amazed at the creativity it took to find her- waiting around for her to walk by is not something most people would have the “smarts” to try.  Clearly your skills as an investigator have been well honed over the decades you have been doing this.

As these things tend to happen when experts like yourself are involved, you got your “man” (or, in this case, a young, non-threatening, non-violent, non-fleeing, lady).  Congrats on a job well done!  I was worried this one might not turn out well for your crew.  We are all behind you!

Anyhow, Dog, things turned a little weird after that.  See, Dog, I was assuming you were trying to pick her up on a bond violation and going to turn her into the “authorities”.  And, when I say “authorities” what I mean is “real” cops… or jail guards.  You know, folks who have been sworn to actually uphold the law, follow standardized procedures, and keep people safe (even if those people are on bail while using drugs… they’re still people, Dog).  Thankfully you used your best “Dog” judgment and, instead, drove her around town trying to find her drug dealer.

I get what you’re doing.  With you as a the puppet-master, It seems only obvious that this low-level junkie could eradicate the drug trade by confronting her dealer.  Busting a user and forcing her (while restrained) to take you back to her dealer is a genius move.  I’m pretty sure that that’s the same technique that got Tony Montana in Scarface.  I wonder if the FBI has thought of this?

Now, Dog, I’m not nearly as good at these things as you are.  I’m a little worried, though.  See, Dog, in my job I also deal with a lot of drug users.  Drug dealers, too.   It seems we have a lot in common.  Although, my mullet isn’t as sweet as yours. I will work on it.

Knowing what I know from working with the people I work with, the last thing I would do is hog-tie a user, force them to show me who their dealer is and where he hangs out.  I take that back.  The last thing I would do is force them to do that while the T.V. cameras and light are rolling… and then show up at the dealer’s “hangout” with the cameras and lights in-tow.

See, Dog, drug dealers don’t like that stuff.  I would be worried- really worried– that at some point the lights and cameras would be off.  I wouldn’t be around.  My little user friend will have been released from jail.  Even though her life would have been cured (the episode did show a member of your crew engaged in a touching, heart-to-heart “talk” with the girl), the dealer might not have forgotten the whole incident.  He might even hold a grudge.

Dog, I’m worried that the dealer from your show might plan to do that girl harm.  Maybe even kill her.  Drug dealers are known to do that sort of illegal stuff.  Have you seen that poor girl lately?  Do you ever have trouble sleeping at night?  If I didn’t know where that girl was, I would.

I’ve got to be honest, Dog, I’m not a fan of your show.  You’ve made millions of dollars by shining lights and tv cameras on people at the worst moments of their lives.  You’re a felon.  Your daughter was just arrested (again). You should know a bounty hunter’s job is to pick people up on the streets, drop them off at the jail.  You are not a one-man war on drugs.  You shouldn’t put people in harm’s way to boost your ratings.

Next time your wife is asking you to make sure the feathers in your mullet match her tube-top (so that you guys can look good on TV), please consider actually trying to help some of these people.  And, by “help” I mean that you might consider just arresting them and taking them to the jail.  All that other garbage you do is just going to get somebody killed.

With Love,

Matt Haiduk

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