Defending the Dumbed



Ask yourself, “what is more important… money, or life?”  The answer is simple, really.

When I see something like the video above, I imagine something like what’s written below.

“Ladies and gentleman of the jury, my client is not guilty of stealing Girl Scout cookies from a Girl Scout.  I know you’ve seen the T.V. interview. I know it appears she admit the crime.  I know it sounds horrible.  I know what you think you saw.

You didn’t see what you think you saw.

Did she admit to seeing members of the Girl Scout Gang? Yes. Did she admit to seeing an envelope with money? Yes.  Did she grab that money and run away? Yes.  Does that make her a criminal? No.  Not today. Not this girl.

See, this isn’t really a case about cookies, or green uniforms or merit badges.  This is a case about greed, and about life.

In a normal case, my client’s statements to the reporter might be enough to prove a crime.  This isn’t a normal case, though. My client needed that money.  My client had to have that money. It was necessary that my client take that money to prevent greater harm.  She is not guilty, because her actions were necessary.

Put yourself in her shoes.  You’re 16 years old and your parents have forced you to roll out of bed shortly after 1:00 p.m.  Out on the streets to fend for yourself for an entire afternoon and without means to pay for your daily carmel mocha, you’re getting a little twitchy.  Getting your Starbucks isn’t really a matter of want.  It’s a matter of survival.  Maybe you’re high on weed/meth/whatever at the time, too.  That doesn’t make it any easier.

Do you know how it feels to need that caffeine?  Do you know how it feels to need that caffeine and not have money?

You texted all your friends, and none of them have money to loan you.  You even used your iPhone 3 to message your friends on myspace. No luck.  You don’t have any other options.

It’s not about options, it’s about life and death.

This is what I’m talking about when I say this case is about greed.  Year after year those pesky Girl Scouts, the little beggars that they are, terrorize neighborhoods everywhere trying to pawn their unhealthy vittles.  They should be ashamed, really, trying to liberate money from the paychecks of hard working Americans like yourself.  And, what are they giving you for that money?  Something of worth? Something of value?  Something to make the world better?  No.  Absolutely not.  They are taking your money and giving you sugary death nuggets.  They’re sleeping just fine at night, too.  That organization ought to be ashamed.

Year after year, they make millions, if not billions, while “normal” people like my client struggle to pay for a simple Iced Carmel Mocha Macchiato.  They made millions last year. They made millions this year, and they’re going to make more millions next year.  They are the 1%.  They are about the millions.  Are they about anything else? I doubt it.

You know why their uniforms are green?  Greed.  Clearly, it’s greed.  To them, that envelope of money is just more confirmation that a day of being greedy is a day well spent.

To my client, that wasn’t an envelope of money. That was an envelope of life.  It was an envelope to help her escape the hustle of daily afternoons on those mean streets.  It was money to the Girl Scout Gang, because they are greedy.  The Girl Scout’s didn’t need that money.  To my client, it was life.

Ask yourself, “what is more important… money, or life?”  The answer is simple, really.

And, when asked what she needed the money for, my client was honest in explaining it.  “Just, for anything… we didn’t have any money.”   Do you know what anything can be?  “Anything” can be food so that my poor, starving client can finally eat again.  “Anything” can be shelter so that she doesn’t have to spend another tireless afternoon walking around at the mall.  “Anything” can be prescription drugs to keep my client alive. Again, it’s about life!

You don’t know what “anything” can be.  And, the reason you don’t is because the government never proved that my client didn’t need that money for anything essential.  It’s their burden to prove their case, too. We must prove nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this case you cannot find my client guilty unless you condone the rhetoric and greed of the Girl Scout Gang.  My client took that money because she claims she believes it might have kinda been necessary for her to buy some Starbucks, maybe.  I ask you now to send a message.  Send the message that you do not condone greed.  Send a message that living is ok.  Find my client not guilty.  Thank you.”

Then I imagine 4 minutes of jury deliberations, and a finding of guilty.

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